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“…Reading through the filing, I found myself weeping. Ventura alleged not only that kicked & beat her on frequent occasions, hiding her in hotels while her bruises healed, but that he forced her into sex acts w/strangers, & that he recorded them. Further, Ventura claimed that he often kept her drugged & ‘on multiple occasions’ had her ‘personal medical records sent directly to his email address.’

“I wept because, despite having been in my consciousness for nearly 2 decades, this was the first time I saw . Ventura was only 19 yrs old when ‘discovered’ her in 2005 & signed her to his label, Bad Boy. When they officially began dating—after rumors of a long pursuit—she was 21, & he was a 38-yr-old man.
“I wept because no one, including myself, had thought this relationship was weird.

“I wept because, if anything, we’d probably thought that she was lucky. I wept because I’d never seen her as a person. I wept because she had existed for me solely as a product & an accessory to ’s male genius.

“I wept because I felt that somehow in all of this, I’d been complicit.”

“…I never could pinpoint when I fell in love w/ ; it had simply always been there. But I remember, distinctly, the moment when I realized it had been a & perhaps even relationship. I’d been working on a playlist for a friend’s birthday, compiled exclusively of tracks considered classics of the genre, & was giving it a listen while on a run.

“I’d heard these songs hundreds of times over the years, but that day—as a in her 30s making a playlist for a man who’d recently had a baby —I was suddenly hearing them anew. The volume seemed turned up for every mention of ‘hos’ & ‘bitches,’ like someone had taken a sonic highlighter & run it over every verse about devious, promiscuous, & generally disposable .

had undoubtedly shaped my worldview, my politics,& my sense of self. I’m sure that, by then, I’d skimmed over countless think pieces about & in the music. But only that day did it dawn on me that I’d spent my formative years w/hip-hop whispering into my headphones that I, as a , was worthless—that were interchangeable accessories, extras in songs & videos, not to be trusted, certainly not to be believed.

“I didn’t stop listening to . I mean, come on. But I did find myself turning songs off on my walks, avoiding certain artists, gravitating far more toward R&B, old soul, & classic salsa. There is much in hip-hop music & culture that I loved & still love. But after that day, it’s never been the same.”

Nonilex

“It’s not just that I hear the music in a different way; I look at my past in a different way. All the girlfriends I used to hit the clubs w/now look back & wonder: What choices did we make because we’d been listening to that message for years? What judgments did we cast upon other because of it, because we’d been conditioned to be to one another? What didn’t we notice?”